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My husband blames my mother for everything, what should I do?

Q: I got married earlier this year. It was a love marriage. I am a product of a broken family. My father left the house 5 years back. My boyfriend, who is now my husband, knew about everything. My younger brother is preparing for MBA. Before our marriage, my husband agreed that I had to support my family. But now his behaviour has changed. He keeps taunting me about my family, especially my mother who is very lonely. If I talk to her over the phone, he complains that I always talk to her and uses abusive language for her. The more I get provoked, the more he speaks. I get so restless that I get violent, but he abuses her even more. We haven't even completed a year of our marriage and our relation is ripping apart. Professionally, I am better off than him. My mother is a patient of high BP and has nervous problems, so we have rented a house 2-3 km from hers, but he complains about that. He insists that we buy our own house. We can't afford a house at this stage, but he is not ready to understand and blames my mother for it. He insists that I go and stay with her. But when I spend one night with her, he complains. I am unable to satisfy him physically due to all this and for this also he blames my mother. I am so worried about my family that I don't want to get physical, lest I get pregnant. Our honeymoon was also a disaster. I try to explain things to him, but he is so poisoned that he talks nonsense. He feels that he is right and I am wrong. He talks very rudely to me. I am very irritated with him. He never stops even when I am unwell. What should I do? I loved him so much and don't want to leave him. How can I improve my relations with him? I can't leave my parents and can't stay in peace with him. Please advise.

A:I can understand that you are going through troubled times. All relationships are based on mutual trust, respect grounded by sincerity, honesty, patience, persistence, and mutual space and desire to move further. This is all expressed and noticed in sincere communication, which also entails active listening. The best way of resolution of conflict is to know what exactly is the conflict, what are the dimensions of the conflict, what is perpetuating the conflict, and what factors precipitated it. And the way to get this information is to have a sincere conversation - communication - a two way process, rather than one talking over the other or exchanging innuendoes or criticism. And the most important way this is possible is to start with no biases, have patience to hear what the other person says, and look at crystallising the real issue. Once the exploration is over, comes the solution. A mutually agreeable solution keeping in perspective both the reasonable viewpoints, based on broad underlying principles. (For e.g.: in your case, may be the need to take care of your family etc.). Then comes the step to act on the solution and see if it works, or rework through it if required. But, let the head rule the heart in these sessions. May be if nothing works out, you may have to go to a marriage counsellor.


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