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Why has my friend stopped communicating with me?

Q: I lost my parents at the age of ten. I stay with my uncle. I get nightmares since my childhood. I was jovial in school and college but very moody at home. I had a very close friendship with a girl from my college who is a year younger to me. She cared a lot for me. We would chat through SMS for hours till midnight. I didn't love her, but liked her a lot. The day I spoke to her I didn't get nightmares. I am well settled in my job and money is not a problem. She is working too, but in a different city. Recently she stopped communicating with me. Whenever I called or mailed her, she did not respond. Thinking that she might be in love with me but is shy to propose, I proposed to her through mail. She immediately called me and said that we are just good friends and she will marry the person of her father's choice. She said that she will contact me after some days and hung up. Now I am back to my lonely life. I can't bear her departure from my life. Should I talk to her parents? Should I get transferred to her city and be friends again or just leave her? My friends complain that I have become very moody. How can I fight my loneliness? I think if I marry her my life will be happy. But she is from a different caste. Even if she resumes her communication with me it will make me happy as of now. No other girl impresses me now. I miss her a lot. I feel that nobody cares for me. Please advise. Why has she snapped all contacts with me?

A:From what you report it seems that due to the loss of your parents at the tender age of 10, a sense of insecurity had set in you. Parents and family play a significant role in the growth and development of the child and are the main source of security for him/her. This sense of security is exhibited through unconditional love and care that parents provide to their child. It seems that the vacuum created by the demise of your parents could not be filled up by anyone in your growing up years. The affection and care that you received from your friend seems to have temporarily filled up the vacuum. It gave you a sense of security and belongingness. However, you need to understand that her concern for you could only be at a platonic level. In fact you have reported that even you did not love her eventually, so may be you need to think and analyse your own feelings towards her. It could be that you feel the way you do because she was the first person who made you feel secure and cared for. My advise to you would be to understand that her going away from you has got nothing to do with you. Don't stop yourself from appreciating other meaningful relationships in your life. Friends form important source of security and belongingness. If you can get in touch with the girl then speak to her explaining that you value her concern and do appreciate her feelings and her stand towards you. If you think you can remain friends with her in the manner in which both of you would be comfortable, then may be you can discuss this as well with her. You could also take the help of a professional psychotherapist in you area.


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