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I suspect my husband has an extra marital affair, what should I do?

Q: I am a 36 years old female. I have been suffering from wagners granulomatosis for the past 14 years. Due to which I have attained menopause at the age of 30 itself. I had a miscarriage in the first year of my marriage after which I never concieved. Two years back I adopted a baby girl. My husband has been supportive in all my problems. Now we have shifted to a foriegn country and are away from family and friends. Recently I have found that my husband has been lying to me about a former female colleague of his. I came across a few intimate sms on his cell exchanged between him and the lady. He used to tell me that it is some guy friend of his but on calling at the number I found that it was a woman. He never hides his e-mail passwords from me so I have seen their mails which seemed more than a little friendly to me. I trust my husband, he has never given me a cause to feel insecure in the past nine years but now I have started feeling very insecured even though his so called girl friend is back in India. The feeling worsens as I took VRS from my job and I am not working any more. I have gained weight ever since we came here and my looks have also worsened because of my disease. What should i do? My husband has always stood by me even when his parents were mad at me owing to me not being able to concieve but I feel I have failed him by not bearing his child. Every time he picks up his mobile I imagine he is writing to her or calling her. He tells me she is just a friend and he loves me only. I am depressed all the time and keep crying. Our married life is becoming hell. Please help.

A:When couples go through trying times, it is not uncommon for one partner to personalise that it must be something they did that caused the problem. It is unfair to do so as relationship difficulties stem from an interaction between two people rather than a problem with one. I appreciate your sentiments regarding your physical illness. However if your husband has been supportive for so many years it is irrational for you to think that this issue is responsible for his behaviour. Ask yourself a simple question. Is there any evidence for me to believe that he thinks I have failed him due to my illness? The answer will clarify your thoughts. Coming to the current difficulty if you think that the nature of communication between your husband and his friend has been intimate it might be a good idea to talk to him about it and also tell him about how you feel. If he has been so supportive earlier then there seems no reason why he should not be so now. Open up channels of communication and talk to him. This is the only way for you to get rid of negative irrational thoughts and save your relationship.


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