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I don't like my wife, what should I do?

Q: I am not satisfied with my wife. There is no warmth and emotional closeness in our relationship. It all started when my family started looking for a suitable girl for me four years back. Even after 2 years we could not close on any relationship. I just had 2 requirements, which were a decent looking, slim and a working girl. I liked 3 girls and was ready to marry but the proposals never progressed from the girls' side. Later, I started feeling rejected. Finally, owing to family pressures I got engaged to a professional, qualified and homely girl. However, I was reluctant to marry her because she was obese and was not decent looking. But I had to marry her. I often feel that my requirement of a decent looking girl was not given due care by my family while in the case of my brother's and cousin's marriage it was an important criteria. I hold them responsible for getting me married to a girl who was not acceptable to me as a life partner. I am not physically excited by my wife and the chemistry doesn't create that passion within me. I develop cold feet while having sex with her. I resent her obesity and below medicore looks. Every time I look at her, I feel that I deserved a better girl. I avoid attending social gatherings with her. My family has been unjust and hypocritical towards me. The feeling of having a mediocre looking fat girl as my wife fuels the inferiority. I have not let my wife know of these feelings. I don't want to hurt her. I have discussed the issue of obesity with her and provoked her to join a fitness club but she just doesn't seem to care. She argues that it is a genetic trait and she can't do anything. It is clear to me that I will have to continue with this relationship as an adjustment, because it is my responsibility to take care of her. Our sexual life is sad too. In the past 20 months we had sex only 8 times. I have become indifferent to everything in life.

A:Things usually go wrong if you have preconceived notions of a relationship. It appears you are looking for an ideal relationship with your wife without putting in the necessary hard work that it calls for. The relationships are built on mutual respect and trust and it is a two sided affair. Pointing out her obesity and avoiding socialisation will only lead to low confidence in both. Talk to each other without criticising her. A person is beautiful by virtue of being confident, considerate, intelligent and the way one carries oneself and not just by the physical traits. It is well known that passion and beauty are not synonymous. Passion is more a mental thing and by reminding yourself of her ugliness (real or imagined) you are only turning yourself off. Blaming others for ones problems and criticising others only hurts you and complicates matters. Do spend time together share your experiences and dreams and work together towards enjoying and growing together. Now that you have decided to stay with her it is advisable that you go for marital counselling to any psychiatrist or psychologist to help you both.


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