How should I cope with disharmony in marriage?
Q: I have been married for 13 years. It has not been a smooth sail for me. My husband is the only son of his parents. With great difficulty, we moved away from his parents house. I had a lot of problems with his family in the first 5 years of our marriage. After moving out, my husband started being angry with me. He insults me and has held a grudge against me and my family. He takes up every opportunity to insult and blame me for anything wrong that happens in our life. If he invites his parents over and they refuse, he thinks that I gave them excuses that children have exams due to which they couldn't come. But this is not true. Only once I asked my mother-in-law to avoid coming when the girls have exams, since they do not concentrate on studies. But my husband doesn't understand this. He doesn't like if anyone from my family visits us. Though I try my best to be most hospitable to his family. I get uncommunicative because I feel that I do so much for him but I do not get the love, time, understanding and loyalty that I deserve. I am a strong person but now I get into deep mood-swings very often. I cry a lot even if something small happens. I love my husband a lot, in spite of all the bad things he has done. But when he says something without any reason, I go into deep depression. I feel I should kill myself, but I have 2 beautiful girls to think of. At times, I feel like leaving him, but then I think how difficult it would be for him to live without the me and the children. Please guide me. I am overweight and have high blood pressure when tensions arise. My cholesterol levels are high as well.
A:From what you report, it seems that you are undergoing a lot of stress in your life. As reported by you, things have not been smooth in your married life since the very beginning. Probably because of external influences both you and your husband could not develop and nurture the relationship which a husband and wife share. Emotional understanding and mutual respect are important in any relationship and more so between a husband and wife. Because of certain incidents the misunderstandings that cropped up have further put a setback to the relationship. My advise to you would be to talk to your husband explaining to him how this turmoil and stress is not only unhealthy for both of you but is also somewhere adversely affecting your children. Seeking the advise of a professional psychotherapist in your area would be beneficial.