Q: My wife and I had a courtship of 3 years before marriage. During that period we did everything related to sex except penetration, be it oral or masturbating each other or any other activity. Now after marriage my wife is not interested in sex or for that matter the activities we did earlier. My sex needs are almost every alternate day but my wife wants it once in a month. May be the problem did exist before marriage but were not aware of it. We got married 7 years ago and have two childeren. I have tried almost everything from sexual literature, erotic movies, emotional understanding etc. but of no use. Now I feel deprived of my sexual rights which I would have got if I did not have such a long courtship. This way I may lose intrest in my wife and may indulge in activities which I should not be in. Although I love my wife very much at this stage and even staying away from her for 2 days is difficult. Kindly suggeat some concrete way of improving our relations?

A:The cause for lack of matching interest in sex in partners could be physical, psychological (emotional), situational or even out of a so-called religious (spiritual) or moral belief. It is necessary to find out the cause of loss of interest in sex. Only after knowing the cause, therapy/treatment can be planned. For your information a woman’s interest in sex depends on the following factors: 1. Satisfaction: The level and frequency of satisfaction that she has experienced in her sexual life. If sex has been a one-sided activity by the man without bothering much about the needs of the woman, then over a period of time, she may lose interest in sex. 2. Foreplay: If foreplay is not done correctly and adequately, female partners do not feel aroused enough to have intercourse. Many husbands are impatient and want to go for intercourse after a short and hurried foreplay. Such repeated experiences of unsatisfactory sex gradually make the woman lose interest. 3. Integration of Love and Sex: A woman operates through her heart. Her sex-life is not separate from the rest of her life. She sees everything in her life as inter-related. As against this, man tends to compartmentalize. He can mentally put aside stressful aspects of his life and separate it from sex. A woman needs good feelings and experiences during the day to have satisfying sex. How her husband treats her out of bed, greatly influences her response in bed. Inattentiveness, harsh language, a rude tone, hurting words, and criticism can make it difficult for a woman to get involved, to feel enthusiastic & to be passionate during sex. It is important for a couple to be loving even when they are not in the sex act. Sexuality & affection cannot be compartmentalized. Good sex is a continuum of affection & closeness during the day. 4. Lack of Love: This lack of love cannot be blamed on only one partner. Love happens between two sensitive human beings. Both of you need to deeply examine your relationship, either on your own or with the help of a good counsellor. Ask yourself what you can do to bring more depth into your relationship and make it more than sex - a sharing of intimacy. It will be better if both of you speak freely on this subject with each other and try to understand each other.