Why is my wife so dependent on me?
Q: My 34 years old wife is a well-educated and beautiful lady. It is six years to our marriage and we have two loving sons. My problem is that my wife does not undertake any responsibility and is very casual and impulsive in her approach. She does not go to the market alone, neither does she pick our child from the school nor does she go to the doctor alone. She expects me to accompany her everywhere. At home also, she is very casual in cooking food, decorating, house keeping and refrains from managing the house affairs. Though I am fully in favour of the fact that father and mother should play equal role in developing the house or grooming the kids, but my wife is too dependent on me and due to this, a lot of my energy and time gets wasted in doing mundane things. Because of her casual cooking, our children have stopped eating much at home but they do eat well outside. I am the head of a branch in a company and have lots of professional responsibilities wherein my wife is at times required to be a part, which she desists. Though I have tried to explain things to her, which she patiently listens and accepts but after a few days, she is again back to her normal self. Because of the nature of my job, I have to travel at times and when I return home, I find the house in shambles. All this has now started affecting our children who have now started being casual about things. I have also started having a feeling that my wife is very incompetent and not interested. Her elder sister also agrees with me and blames me for having taken too much care of her and being so protective of her. Was I wrong in caring and loving my wife? I really love my wife and children but I am scared that her behaviour will change me. Please help.
A:No, you were not wrong for caring and loving your family, but here we need to understand personality issues of you and your wife and family dynamics. As you have stated your wife has dependency traits, examine your self and ask do you like to control things? Do you like things to be done your way, is your way the best? Can you let go of few things, to change dynamics of family and be consistent on it? Sharing responsibility is ideal, but for that one needs to give responsibility and trust each other, it seems your wife trusts you in all chores and depends on you. Best way would be to discuss things with your wife and get a good family counsellor and take a few sessions of counselling jointly. If not, make a family conference time each week, and bring your grievance in that conference, and come to a mutual solution. If your wife is not agreeable to this, you may need to actively give up some of the chores you have been doing. Initially she may make mistakes, there may be small disasters, but let her learn from it, let her understand the consequences of it. For this you really need to change your way of giving up and doing work, be consistent.