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Are You Sexually Incompatible?

Dr Rajan Bhonsle

Are You Sexually Incompatible?

The Mars versus Venus duel often comes to the fore between the sheets. She needs lots of foreplay, while he needs to go for it straightaway. It is one of the common problems faced by couples, and if not tackled with care, this sexual incompatibility inevitably starts affecting relationships at every phase. Also termed discrepant libidos, it has been observed as the most common cause for dissatisfaction in a relationship.

Reasons for incompatibility

  1. Frequency of Sex: the frequency of sexual desire varies from person to person, so much so that both partners idea of what is right often may not match. The need for frequent sex also depends on the stage in which the relationship is in. The intimacy quotient is at its peak among new lovers. Remember those days when you just couldn't get enough of each other? The passionate phase makes way for the more compassionate love which is more meaningful and satisfying. However, when everyday sex starts fading and one starts hearing more of not tonight honey, dissatisfaction is bound to creep in.
  2. Appetite: each one of us has a different sexual appetite which also varies at different stages of our lives. The partner who has the higher sex drive is most likely to feel rejected and hurt when the desires are not reciprocated. On the other hand, the one with the lower drive can feel pressurised and resentful at having to perform even when he/she doesn't feel up to it.
  3. Experiments: the missionary position works very well among couples in the heydays of their relationship. And then there comes a time when one of the partners wishes to do something different in order to break the monotony. If the feeling is not reciprocated, dissatisfaction is bound to occur. Not to forget each one of us harbours fantasies and we expect our partner to comply (in at least some of them), after attaining a certain comfort level with each other. Women, many times, are rather passive during the act, leaving men asking for more.

Dealing with it

Woe and win

The one with a stronger sex drive should bear in mind that the discrepancy in appetite is not taken as personal rejection. In such a case, find ways to seduce your partner and bring him/her to a state where he/she feels aroused. Responding to some of the non-sexual cues of the active partner can also help arouse interest. The process of enjoying each other sexually is not a rigid one, but one that's continually changing and flowing. Your partner is the best authority on what is most gratifying to him/ her. Initiate a gentle practice to find out what makes him/her experience maximum pleasure. Thereafter, add those moves to your regular love making session.

Talk, will you?

It is crucial to communicate your sexual desires to your partner, albeit in a manner that doesn't threaten his/her manhood/womanhood. Or else it could be self-defeating. Avoid sounding demanding, critical or accusatory. If lack of experimentation is a problem, reason with your partner as to how moving away from the conventional will lead to enhanced pleasure for him/her as well.

Don't force

Sexual enjoyment has less to do with mechanical proficiency and is more about how two individuals relate to each other. Being obsessed with proficiency and trying to develop erotic artistry with a single-minded purpose is more likely to interfere with the enjoyment. Strictly avoid insisting with your partner to try newer positions to enhance pleasure.

Friday, 07 April 2017
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