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Why isn't my wife experiencing an orgasm during sex?

Friday, 07 January 2005
Answered by: Dr. Rajan Bhonsle
Consulting Sex therapist & Counsellor,
Heart To Heart Counselling Centre
Mumbai
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Q. We are a happily married couple for the past 10 years. We have two children. My wife has never experienced an orgasm during intercourse. For the past few years she masturbates in my presence to achieve an orgasm before having intercourse. Off late she has been complaining that all her friends get an orgasm during sex with their partners and she is the only exception. Now I have also started developing a feeling of guilt. What can I do to ensure that my partner gets a satisfactory orgasm? Is it true that if women are encouraged to fantasise about men of their liking during intercourse they can achieve an orgasm?

A.  Sexual activity, including orgasm, is influenced by the body and mind. On certain occasions, your body might be present but your mind is absent. In other words, you might not always be as excited as at other times. If you are distracted by other events in your life or are perhaps having relationship problems you might not be able to have an orgasm as easily as at other times, or perhaps not be able to have one at all. This can happen to men and women. Occasionally, there is a physical problem that prevents you from attaining orgasm. This would more likely cause a problem with the actual act of intercourse, which might be painful or even difficult to perform. Some women have never experienced orgasm but with some guidance most of them can learn to achieve an orgasm. The process of enjoying each other sexually is not stagnant, but continually flowing and changing. So its good that you are trying different positions. It sounds as if you and your wife have the freedom to experiment and enjoy each other, but you just want to maximize enjoyment, especially for your wife. Ultimately, your wife will be the best authority on what is most pleasurable for her. You might begin by doing some further experimentation to gather data about what makes your wife experience maximum pleasure. After discovering the same, you can add those elements to your love making to maximize the enjoyment during intimacy. Traditionally, the man-on-top position is assumed during intercourse. However, this might not result in the correct stimulation of the clitoris (pleasure point) of the woman. However, in the woman-on-top position, the wife can vary the position of her legs and the angle of her body to get the most sensation. If your wife desires orgasm during intercourse, experimenting with positions can help enhance that possibility as long as that goal does not distract the two of you from the pleasure of just enjoying each others bodies. Its most important for you to develop an attitude of openness and freedom that is mutually comfortable. Don't insist with your wife to try new positions to enhance her pleasure. If she is happy, let her be the authority on what she desires for her own sexual pleasure. Orgasm is a choice, not an obligation. There could be issues like control and fear when it comes to being orgasmic. But take heart, both can be overcome and you can learn to become orgasmic. There are a number of steps involved to becoming orgasmic including: Learning to identify what pleases you generally and genitally; learning to feel more comfortable telling your lover how to please you; immersing yourself in pleasure without a goal; learning to relax and go with the feelings of pleasure; and involving your partner in mutual pleasuring in the form of extended foreplay. Many women who do not ordinarily experience orgasm, do experience it when they actively participate and perform intercourse in the ‘woman superior’ position. Woman gets aroused slowly and gradually (unlike men). A gentle, relaxed and prolonged foreplay with a man she loves turns her on, and makes her ready for intercourse after adequate (20–25 minutes) foreplay. It is only after that there is a strong possibility of her reaching orgasm through intercourse. Hurried (with very little foreplay), aggressive and mechanical intercourse fails to bring women to their orgasm. Moral upbringing also plays a MAJOR role. If sex is associated with beliefs such as “sex is only for procreation”, “Sex is to be enjoyed only by men”, “woman is supposed to be a passive partner in sex” or “sex is sinful & dirty”, it further diminishes the possibility of reaching orgasm. Lack of adequate privacy, strain in the relationship, excessive exhaustion and ill health also contribute to the inability of reaching orgasm.

A.  Sexual activity, including orgasm, is influenced by the body and mind. On certain occasions, your body might be present but your mind is absent. In other words, you might not always be as excited as at other times. If you are distracted by other events in your life or are perhaps having relationship problems you might not be able to have an orgasm as easily as at other times, or perhaps not be able to have one at all. This can happen to men and women. Occasionally, there is a physical problem that prevents you from attaining orgasm. This would more likely cause a problem with the actual act of intercourse, which might be painful or even difficult to perform. Some women have never experienced orgasm but with some guidance most of them can learn to achieve an orgasm. The process of enjoying each other sexually is not stagnant, but continually flowing and changing. So its good that you are trying different positions. It sounds as if you and your wife have the freedom to experiment and enjoy each other, but you just want to maximize enjoyment, especially for your wife. Ultimately, your wife will be the best authority on what is most pleasurable for her. You might begin by doing some further experimentation to gather data about what makes your wife experience maximum pleasure. After discovering the same, you can add those elements to your love making to maximize the enjoyment during intimacy. Traditionally, the man-on-top position is assumed during intercourse. However, this might not result in the correct stimulation of the clitoris (pleasure point) of the woman. However, in the woman-on-top position, the wife can vary the position of her legs and the angle of her body to get the most sensation. If your wife desires orgasm during intercourse, experimenting with positions can help enhance that possibility as long as that goal does not distract the two of you from the pleasure of just enjoying each others bodies. Its most important for you to develop an attitude of openness and freedom that is mutually comfortable. Don't insist with your wife to try new positions to enhance her pleasure. If she is happy, let her be the authority on what she desires for her own sexual pleasure. Orgasm is a choice, not an obligation. There could be issues like control and fear when it comes to being orgasmic. But take heart, both can be overcome and you can learn to become orgasmic. There are a number of steps involved to becoming orgasmic including: Learning to identify what pleases you generally and genitally; learning to feel more comfortable telling your lover how to please you; immersing yourself in pleasure without a goal; learning to relax and go with the feelings of pleasure; and involving your partner in mutual pleasuring in the form of extended foreplay. Many women who do not ordinarily experience orgasm, do experience it when they actively participate and perform intercourse in the ‘woman superior’ position. Woman gets aroused slowly and gradually (unlike men). A gentle, relaxed and prolonged foreplay with a man she loves turns her on, and makes her ready for intercourse after adequate (20–25 minutes) foreplay. It is only after that there is a strong possibility of her reaching orgasm through intercourse. Hurried (with very little foreplay), aggressive and mechanical intercourse fails to bring women to their orgasm. Moral upbringing also plays a MAJOR role. If sex is associated with beliefs such as “sex is only for procreation”, “Sex is to be enjoyed only by men”, “woman is supposed to be a passive partner in sex” or “sex is sinful & dirty”, it further diminishes the possibility of reaching orgasm. Lack of adequate privacy, strain in the relationship, excessive exhaustion and ill health also contribute to the inability of reaching orgasm.

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