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Why is my husband so short tempered and insecure?

Friday, 02 June 2006
Answered by: Dr. Jitendra Nagpal
Senior Consultant Psychiatrist,
VIMHAMS,
New Delhi
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Q. I have a very serious problem, which is affecting my marriage. My husband is short tempered, he doesn't care about me and doesn't hesitate scolding me in front of other people. If I advise him for his good he does the opposite! He has been unsuccessful in his career and had some bad experiences with women in the past at the emotional level. So he, in general, believes that women are a bad community altogether and tries to condemn me for that. He lacks the desires of having any kind of physical intimacy with me too and never wants to have kids. We had a love marriage and have been married for two years, but things have gone terribly sour. He is not open to any sort of discussion, he is very immature and has a big ego. Besides he has deep insecurities and he searches for other male company to deal with his problems and hence always wants to go where his friends are. While at home he watches his own set of programmes on TV and never talks to me. My friends are also worried about our relationship and have asked me to go for counselling for his insecurities. While my husband is insistent that love disappears within a few days after marriage, I still cant believe this. I am very romantic and still love him with all my heart. I want to help him get out of these insecurities and be a normal person. But lately it is so unbearable that I have started fighting back, sometimes leading to physical abuse to each other. I am desperate to get out of this situation, which is ruining my peace of mind. Please advise.

A.  If your husband agrees, marriage counselling could be an important step towards finding a solution. In case he doesn't and since this situation is causing you distress, it is important for you to approach a counsellor. It will be essential for you to take on a mature role and you might need to even compromise on your expectations. Also, it is important to focus on the positive aspects of your marriage. Remember, since the situation is not causing him the kind of distress that it is causing you, he will have less motivation to change his behaviour. You will have to initiate much of this change.

A.  If your husband agrees, marriage counselling could be an important step towards finding a solution. In case he doesn't and since this situation is causing you distress, it is important for you to approach a counsellor. It will be essential for you to take on a mature role and you might need to even compromise on your expectations. Also, it is important to focus on the positive aspects of your marriage. Remember, since the situation is not causing him the kind of distress that it is causing you, he will have less motivation to change his behaviour. You will have to initiate much of this change.

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